Ask laura, p.9
Ask Laura, page 9
‘Do you want me to come with you in the morning?’ he asked. In all honesty, the answer was ‘yes’, but I declined, telling him instead that I’d ring and let him know how it had gone.
Paul went to find the boys and have a few minutes with them before leaving. Making more coffee, I took two mugs up to Lucy’s room. She looked directly at me, understanding the olive branch I was handing her.
‘Thanks for the coffee, but just because I’ve agreed to go to school tomorrow doesn’t mean I’ve changed my mind.’ It was the longest sentence my daughter had spoken to me for weeks and I couldn’t help but smile. I would give anything to put this all behind us and have the kind of relationship we’d had when Lucy was a little girl.
Chapter Seventeen
I watched a DVD with the boys during the evening. Lucy declined the invitation to join us, turning her nose up at their choice of viewing. I, however, settled in to brave the transforming robots or whatever the film was about. A little past eight o’clock, the doorbell rang and I felt relief at being saved from the last half hour of the film. As I opened the door, it was a surprise to find Steve Radcliffe on my front step. We smiled at each other, and then, as I stepped back to let him in, my mind began to race with questions. Had they found the letter writer? Had another letter been sent? Were the forensics back, and with what result? It turned out to be a combination of two of the above.
‘I’m afraid there’s been another letter.’ Steve spoke gravely and my heart sank. ‘As before, the magazine didn’t open it, so we’ve sent it off for comparison with the previous one. The forensics has come back for the last one and we managed to get some pretty clear prints.’ He paused, maintaining eye contact as he told me, ‘They don’t match either your ex-husband or Richard Ward.’
I sighed, unable to decide if this was good news or bad. Quite honestly, it was what I’d expected. To my mind, Paul was never a suspect. As for Richard, I’d been unsure and now felt terrible for casting suspicion on him at all.
‘So we’re no further forward then?’ I asked, disappointed.
‘Not necessarily. We ran the prints through our database and didn’t find a match, but, as we do now have prints, if anyone else comes into the frame as a suspect, we’ll be able to confirm almost immediately if he is the letter writer.’
‘Do you think I should apologise to Richard Ward? I feel terrible about naming him as a suspect now.’
‘No, that would most certainly be a bad idea. Ward doesn’t seem to be the sort of man who would forgive and forget, so I’d recommend you keep well away from him in the future. He might even take advantage of an apology to try to see you again, and I’m assuming you don’t want to?’
‘You assume right.’ I smiled. ‘Can I get you a coffee, Steve?’
‘That would be great. I’ve just knocked off shift so coffee would be very welcome.’
I smiled inwardly at this, pleased that although he’d officially finished work, he was happy to be in my company. I was certainly delighted to be in his. With all these inappropriate thoughts filling my head, I’d completely forgotten to ask about this latest letter. After rectifying this, Steve answered.
‘I could let you see my notes on it if you like, but it’s very similar to the last one with nothing new to make us think this man does actually know you. I’m beginning to think if he did know you or where you lived, he would have used the knowledge by now.’
‘In what way?’
‘Perhaps by directing the letters here or boasting about what he knew. People who do this kind of thing enjoy the power it gives them. He would want to step up the pressure, let you know what he knows in an attempt to scare you even more. Having no new information in this latest letter convinces me that he doesn’t know your address or you personally.’
I nodded. It made sense and was a relief.
‘Having the security camera outside has been a comfort, and the boys think it’s amazing.’ I was grateful to Steve for arranging it.
‘Good, it will certainly be a deterrent to any unwelcome callers.’ He smiled. Steve had such an infectious smile – I grinned back at him.
‘How old are your children?’ he asked. It was a relief to talk about something unconnected to those awful letters.
‘The twins are eleven and Lucy’s sixteen now.’ The mention of Lucy took my smile away.
‘Is something wrong, Laura?’
‘Sixteen is a bad age.’ I attempted a smile. ‘Lucy hasn’t been to school this week and I’m ashamed to say I knew nothing about it until the school rang me this morning.’ Was it really only this morning?
‘Hmm, a difficult one. Has she told you where she’s been going?’
‘Apparently to her boyfriend’s flat, which is another worry. I’ve only just found out there is a boyfriend and assumed he was someone from school until she mentioned his flat. Lucy won’t tell me his age, but he must be a good few years older than her.’
The phone rang, and I picked it up, annoyed at the interruption to our conversation.
‘Laura? It’s Angela here, from Cedar Lodge. Sorry to disturb you so late, but your mother’s not well at all. The doctor’s on his way, but I think you should come too.’
‘What is it?’
‘Well, we thought she’d picked up some kind of virus which was affecting her breathing, but whatever it is, it’s looking serious... and you should prepare for the worst.’
Stunned, I thanked the matron and replaced the phone in a daze. Could this day get any worse? Steve looked at me, concerned.
‘Is something wrong?’ It was the second time in only ten minutes he’d had cause to ask me the same question. The kindness in his voice suddenly weakened me and I burst into tears. Steve took the two steps between us and enfolded me in his arms. He held me as I sniffed and sobbed onto his shirt. It was a relief to have his arms around me, and I wished I could stay there forever. Pulling myself together, I explained how my mother was ill and the matron feared the worst.
‘I’ll have to ring Janet to see if she can come round and sit with the children – they’re nearer than Paul. I must tell the children too.’
Sam and Jake had never really known their grandmother. The real woman, that is, not this ghost of the person she now was. Lucy perhaps had a few more memories but hadn’t visited much during the last few years. There was no point. Mother could be angry and aggressive at times and I wanted to protect the children from those unpredictable moods.
‘I’ll take you if you like?’ Steve’s voice broke into my thoughts.
‘I couldn’t possibly ask you to do that.’
‘You’re not asking, I’m offering.’ His smile would be my undoing.
‘It’s very kind... and yes, I would appreciate the company.’
Janet was all business.
‘Of course we’ll come! Don’t worry about a thing. We’ll stay all night if necessary.’ What a blessing they were to me. I don’t know how I’d manage without them. Telling the children was the next thing. The film had just finished and the boys came bounding into the kitchen, hungry as usual. If they noticed I’d been crying, they didn’t let on, but they were curious about who the stranger was.
‘Boys, this is Detective Sergeant Radcliffe. He’s been helping to find out who’s been sending those letters I told you about.’
‘Cool! So you fitted the camera outside. Can you show me how to run it through the computer?’
‘Sam, don’t be so rude. I’ve told you the camera is not ours to experiment with.’
‘Your mum’s right, Sam. I’d be happy to show you, but it’s not allowed.’ Steve smiled at him.
‘Boys, listen. I’ve had a call from the nursing home where Granny is. It seems she’s not at all well and the matron wants me to go and see her.’
‘What, now?’ Jake was puzzled.
‘I’m afraid so. Granny’s very poorly, and there’s a chance she might not get better.’ Was there ever an easy way to explain such a thing to children? They exchanged looks then Sam spoke up for them both.
‘We’ll be all right, Mum. Don’t worry about us.’
‘I’ve already rung for Grandma and Granddad to come round. They’ll be here soon.’
‘We don’t need babysitting – we’re eleven now!’
‘Yes, but as I don’t know how long I’ll be, I’ll feel much happier knowing someone’s with you. Now, it’s time for bed. So off you go and get ready, and Grandma will be here soon.
‘I’ll just tell Lucy,’ I said to Steve and followed the boys upstairs. Lucy surprised me when I told her by beginning to cry. She allowed me to hold her for a minute before shrugging me off and drying her tears. Perhaps it wasn’t simply this bad news which affected my daughter but a culmination of recent events; it was all getting to me too!
Janet and Bob arrived soon. After briefly introducing them to Steve and explaining how he’d kindly offered to drive me to Cedar Lodge, we left, heading off to just one more catastrophe in the life and times of an agony aunt.
Chapter Eighteen
The journey passed in silence, although not an uneasy one. I was lost in memories of the past, of happier times when my mother was the intelligent, vibrant woman I’d adored. Steve didn’t intrude on the silence, for which I was grateful. It gave me the space to prepare for whatever awaited me. It was a wet night and the windscreen wipers worked hard to clear the rain, their rhythmic movement almost hypnotic. The rain made for very little traffic, and when we arrived, I presumed the few cars in the car park to be staff vehicles. It wasn’t the time for visitors.
Cedar Lodge was only dimly lit. Having never been so late in the evening, I found it somehow different, peaceful perhaps without the brightly lit rooms and the background noise of the television and cups rattling on the trolley. Matron’s office was adjacent to the main entrance. She must have seen us approach as the door buzzed open and we entered into the home’s warmth which was usually welcoming, but this evening felt almost inhospitable. Angela was beside me within seconds and her arms reached out to embrace me. Fighting back the tears, I introduced Steve, giving him the status of ‘friend’ to avoid confusing explanations.
‘Is there any change?’ It seemed right to ask. It was well over an hour since she’d telephoned.
‘No, the doctor’s with her now. Let’s go and find him.’
Steve, holding my arm for support, quietly asked if I’d like him to remain in the entrance lobby.
‘I’d rather you came with me if that’s okay?’ I felt in need of his presence and strength. He smiled and followed on to Mother’s room.
The doctor was coming out as we approached. It was the duty doctor, one I’d never met. Matron introduced me, and the doctor spoke gently.
‘I’m sorry, Mrs Green, but your mother is slipping away. She’s peaceful at the moment and not in any pain, but I don’t think she’ll last the night.’
I nodded and felt Steve’s reassuring squeeze on my arm.
‘Can I sit with her?’ I don’t know why I asked permission. She was my mother.
‘Of course, Laura, and I’ll get another chair for your friend,’ Matron offered.
The room was warm but when I touched Mother’s arm, she felt cold. Her breathing was raspy and laboured and her colour a deathly pale; it was apparent, even to my untrained eye, she did not have long to go. Steve again asked if I wanted to be alone with Mum and Matron took over.
‘Perhaps if you come with me I’ll get some coffee for us all, and you can bring Laura a cup?’
She must have been in this situation hundreds of times. Steve dutifully followed her out, leaving me alone with Mother. She looked so thin and frail under the sheets. I held her hand and, shuffling closer to the bed, began to talk to her.
‘I love you, Mum. It’s been difficult these last few years but I know you’re still in there somewhere. I’m going to miss you, but you’ll be with Dad soon and...’ I didn’t know what else to say. Dying is still a taboo subject to many people and not something we generally give much thought to. I desperately wanted to think Mum would be reunited with Dad, and in some way, it was what I believed. The concept of heaven is one I gladly embrace, simply because I find the alternatives difficult to accept. Yes, the human body weakens and dies but what about the spirit? I cannot imagine my spirit, the very essence of me, simply dying with my body. As for God as the Creator, I have always accepted that too. It seems far more credible that the earth and humanity were planned and designed by an intelligent, heavenly being, rather than other theories, like the ‘Big Bang’. Now there was nothing more I could do for my mother, it was comforting to picture her, once again in her prime, entering heaven and being with Dad again.
Steve brought coffee and sat beside me in silence as we drank. It took little more than an hour before Mother finally took her last breath. I kissed her brow then allowed Steve to lead me from the room. Matron took over once again, instructing me to go home and rest. She would call the doctor back, and the usual arrangements could be made in the morning. All the details she needed, like the name of an undertaker, were to hand in Mum’s file on forms which I’d filled out years ago.
The biting, icy wind hit us full-on as we hurried through the driving rain to Steve’s car and he helped me in with such care and gentleness that I cried. Before I knew it, his arms were around me for the second time that night, and he stroked my hair as I sobbed for a full two minutes or more. It wasn’t only for Mum I cried, but for Dad too, for Lucy who was hurting but wouldn’t let me in, for those vile letters and the probable loss of my job. It all came out in loud, ugly sobs.
Eventually, the tears stopped and I reached for a tissue to dry my face. Steve looked at me and asked, ‘Do you want to go home now?’
‘Yes, I’ve taken up enough of your time. I’m so sorry.’
‘Don’t be, please. You introduced me as your friend, which is what I’d like to be. And friends help each other out, don’t they?’
I nodded as he started the engine, then we moved away. It was 1.45am. Had I been alone, this experience would have been so much harder to bear. Steve had been a true friend. I couldn’t thank him enough.
Janet and Bob too were amazing. Steve came into the house with me and we told them what had happened. They’d been dozing on the sofas and insisted they stay for the rest of the night. Steve took his leave, giving me another hug as he left. I experienced a sudden urge to sink deeper into his embrace, to draw strength and comfort from this caring man, but what on earth would he think? After the door closed behind Steve, I felt strangely alone, even though my in-laws were with me. Janet packed me off to bed, where surprisingly, I fell almost immediately into a deep sleep.
* * *
Dear Laura,
I’m in love with my best friend. We grew up together as our mothers were friends and we even go on family holidays together. John’s always been like a big brother to me, and I know he thinks of me as his sister, but lately, it’s not been enough. I think about him all the time and dream of being with him, as a couple and not just as friends. I’m eighteen, he is nineteen. I’ve had other boyfriends but they never measure up to John. I’m scared to tell him how I feel in case he backs off and I lose him altogether. He hasn’t got a steady girlfriend at the moment, although he has dated other girls in the past. What should I do?
Sharon
* * *
Dear Sharon,
Unrequited love is so complicated, and I feel for you in this position. But then is it unrequited? The obvious way to find out is by telling him of your feelings. If you have felt this way for some time, maybe now is the time to be brave enough to say so. He may even feel the same way, but you will never know if you don’t act. If he doesn’t share your feelings and your friendship is strong, as I suspect it is, there is no need to lose John as a friend. Some things are worth acting upon, and you may never get another chance.
Laura
* * *
I remember urging Sharon to act on her feelings and often wonder how it worked out for her and John. Is this how I feel about Steve, or is it too early to call it something as all-encompassing as love? And isn’t it difficult to distinguish between love of a romantic nature and the kind of love you feel for a good friend? Those blue eyes and his comforting presence lingered in my thoughts until I told myself how ridiculous it was. I was almost fantasising about a man who was considerably younger than me! Perhaps my vulnerability was making me susceptible to these flights of fancy. Steve is a good, kind man. His kindness to me could simply be due to my present predicament. Okay, to put it bluntly, I think he feels sorry for me, but that’s not what I want. In my saner moments, I remind myself how he is so much younger than me – and I am a divorced woman with three children. Not such a good catch for Steve, or anyone else for that matter.
Chapter Nineteen
The next morning after waking at the usual time, the events of the previous night were forgotten for a few brief moments. But the memory soon came flooding back, jolting me into reality and reminding me my mother was dead. I groaned, wanting to prolong the oblivion of sleep, yet painfully aware there was way too much to do for such a luxury. Telling the children was first on the list, but as I passed their rooms, they were all still sleeping, so I headed downstairs to see Janet and Bob. Typically, Janet had the kettle on to boil and the table set for breakfast. I hugged them both in turn, grateful for their loyalty and support.
‘We’ll have a bit of breakfast with you and then pop home to shower and change. We can be back in a couple of hours.’ Janet had it all mapped out and my protestations were waved aside.
‘Bob can run you about, there are places you’ll have to go, and I can be here for the children.’ It was a relief to allow Janet to take charge; she was much more capable than me.
