And I expect fear

  Repulsion

  But she’s

  Looking at me

  With sad eyes

  She’s looking at me

  With what I can only recognise

  As pity

  And I don’t know how to respond

  I do want it

  Of course I want it

  Everything in me

  Whines for it

  Craves and cries

  But I know the rules

  I know why we have the rules

  I know why I can’t

  Shouldn’t

  Won’t

  Wouldn’t

  I know

  I know

  But I want

  I want to feel

  What I’m supposed to feel

  Built to feel

  I want to feel strong and still and quiet

  I want to feel fierce and full

  I want to take

  Be given

  Take

  I want it

  I want it

  But I can’t

  Shouldn’t

  Won’t

  And I tell her so

  “But it’s ok

  To need

  What you need”

  She says

  As though I need

  A cookie

  A cheat day

  A nap

  And I laugh

  Then regret it

  I say sorry

  I say

  It’s different

  I say

  If I can take

  Without causing hurt

  Without taking

  More than I should

  More than I need

  Then that’s what I should do

  That’s all I can do

  Will do

  Want to do

  But she doesn’t look convinced

  Of course she doesn’t

  Because she always knows

  When I’m lying

  “What if ”

  She says

  In a new voice

  “Someone wants

  To give”

  I look at the floor

  I shake my head

  I shake my head

  I shake my head

  I try to ignore her

  As politely as I can

  I try to ignore her

  And the images

  Flashing in my head

  Sharpness

  Wetness

  Fullness

  Quiet

  Power

  Quiet

  I shake my head

  She takes my hand

  Her fingers

  Take my chin

  Move my head so we’re face to face

  She kisses me

  I try to shake my head

  She kisses me

  I try

  She kisses me

  I kiss her

  Her fingers on my chin

  Her hand holding mine

  Her tongue

  Her tongue in my mouth

  Slowly

  Slowly

  Licking over my teeth

  The sharpness

  The sharpness

  I kiss her

  I kiss her

  I kiss her

  what do you do with love like this

  what do I do with love like this

  how do I hold it

  how do I keep it

  how do I stop it

  I suck

  I pull

  I drag

  I suckle

  She pets my head

  She brushes my hair from my face

  I suck

  I pull

  I drag

  I suckle

  She whispers

  And winces

  And I suck and she

  Says

  Don’t stop

  And she says

  It’s ok

  And I suck and I pull and I drag and I

  Suckle

  I am not here

  I am real and unreal

  I am quiet and loud and I am

  Floating

  I am floating and

  I am here I am

  Here I am

  Here

  I stop when her hand stops

  Petting my head

  I stop when her whimpering fades away

  I stop

  But I stay where I am

  I lap over the marks I’ve made

  I try to make them heal

  Make them close

  I know

  I know it doesn’t work like that

  But I try

  I try

  I try to make it not hurt

  Anymore

  I try

  I promise

  I try

  I whisper into her neck

  I whisper to myself

  Never again

  Not again

  No more

  No more

  No more

  I tell myself

  I tell her

  I ask myself

  I beg

  Never again

  I promise

  I try

  I promise

  I don’t feel real

  I feel hot

  Under my skin

  I feel wild and

  Tamed and kept and held and

  Free and

  I feel

  So much

  Everything stands

  Too still

  Everything moves

  Too fast

  I feel good and

  I feel good

  I don’t know

  That I’m real

  But I don’t know

  That I’m not

  She wakes with me wrapped around her

  She wakes with my hands on her cheeks

  My eyes locked on hers

  Our feet are tangled

  I’m breathing so fast

  She’s breathing so slowly

  She asks

  If I’m ok

  And I nod

  I nod

  Because I am

  I am

  Ok

  I am real and here and ok

  And she is real and here and ok

  And I kiss her I kiss

  Her I kiss

  her

  what do you do with love like this

  what do I do with love like this

  how do I hold it

  how do I keep it

  how do I stop it

  Seven

  It’s a need

  Now

  After

  It’s a need

  I feel the tips of my teeth

  Scrape them over my tongue

  Again and again

  Focusing on the scrape

  The burn

  It had to be thirst

  It had to be hunger

  It stirred in my stomach

  It made my head spin

  But it wasn’t

  Unpleasant

  If anything

  It felt

  Nice

  Warm

  It roared

  But didn’t snarl

  I look at her

  At her neck

  At her wrist

  The crook of her elbow

  But my eyes

  Don’t

  Can’t

  Linger

  This wasn’t what they wanted

  I look up

  I look at her lips

  I look at the way her bottom lip

  Glistens

  At the redness

  Where her teeth held firm

  I drag my eyes to meet hers

  To find them

  Focused on me

  On my lips

  Oh

  Oh it is hunger

  My body heaves with the realisation

  Relief at my finally catching up

  Finally recognising its signals

  Oh it is need and want and need and

  Want

  Eight

  The museum was Henry’s idea

  Not the statues

  Just the museum

  Henry likes quiet places

  Libraries

  Museums

  The park in the early morning

  The kitchen before Freddie wakes up

  The first time he brought me here

  I was sulking

  I was young

  Younger

  Newer

  Louder

  I thought I was sharp

  But I was blunt

  I was baby teeth

  I was heavy and soft

  A bruise of a person

  I was sulking

  I was tired of the rules that kept me safe

  I was tired of being seen

  All the time

  Watched

  I wanted to be sharp and fast and alone

  I did not

  Want to be in the museum

  So I huffed

  And I called every painting stupid

  Every sculpture ugly

  And I called Henry both

  And Henry ignored me

  And stared at every painting

  Like they were the gravestone

  Of someone he’d once loved

  And when I returned

  For the first time

  Years later

  I wondered

  If maybe they were

  The first time I came here by myself

  Was early on a Tuesday

  I’d been allowed to leave alone

  For a few months

  By then

  And already

  I was bored

  Already

  I thought

  I’d exhausted the city

  Been everywhere

  Seen everything

  A couple months of freedom

  And I thought

  I knew this city

  Better than anyone else

  I was wrong

  But I was young

  So it didn’t matter

  I don’t know why

  I went to the museum

  My feet just

  Brought me there

  And then the following week

  They did it again

  And a few days later

  They did it again

  And after the visit

  When I realised

  I knew each painting by name

  I had to admit

  I brought myself there

  That really

  I liked it

  That really

  I found comfort in the paintings

  Friends in the sculptures

  That I found peace

  In the echo of my footsteps

  On the marble floor

  My favourite sculpture

  At first

  Was a woman

  Tall and strong

  Holding her hand out

  Towards me

  Her eyes

  I thought

  Should look empty

  Should be empty

  But I felt seen by her

  I felt

  That she could see all of me

  That I could stand in front of her

  And be seen

  So seen

  That I could

  Give myself away

  For a minute

  I could let myself be

  Whatever this woman saw in me

  So I stood

  And I let myself be seen

  By grey stone eyes

  Old and cold and beautiful

  Then I left

  And I forgot all about her

  Until the next week

  When I visited her again

  And gave her more of me

  To see

  To take

  To keep

  To have

  When I’ve given her all I can

  I move on

  To the next one

  A man

  Holding a shield

  His face contorted with pain

  I give him even more

  I give him so much

  His face seems to change

  Though I know

  It doesn’t

  Hasn’t

  Won’t

  I find more

  Learn more

  And I give to them all

  I give it all

  All the memories

  The half dreams

  Habits and talents and selves

  I take them from myself

  And I give them all

  To these

  solid people

  Sealed lips and cold hands

  Smooth and strong and better

  Than I am

  Than I

  Could be

  And I tell these pieces

  As I hand them over

  This will be better

  For you

  They will be better for you

  Someone empty

  But not hollow

  They never stay

  But I decide

  In myself

  That they have

  They did

  These sad selves inside me

  Living new lives

  In beautiful bodies

  Sculpted by talented hands

  Finally being seen once again

  I ignore them when they cry

  They are not here

  I tell myself

  You are not here

  I tell them

  You are somewhere

  New

  Somewhere old and

  Somewhere better

  I give and I give and I give

  But I don’t empty

  So I give and I give

  Until I can pretend

  There is quiet

  Somewhere

  Inside me

  Nine

  I sink in

  I sink into her

  Sharpness

  Softness

  Full and whole and

  I sink in

  And I take

  And I take and I

  Take

  Until I’m closer to full

  Until she’s closer to empty

  And I think maybe

  That means

  We’re closer to being

  The same

  My eyes are brighter

  Her eyes sunken

  Just a little

  And when I finish

  When I lick my lips clean

  And take a deep breath

  And look at her

  And I love her

  More than I’ve ever loved anyone

  And I know

  It’s the warmth

  Racing through my cold veins

  And the waking of my tired heart

  But I don’t care

  I decide it’s her

  It’s her

  All her

  And I look into her tired eyes

  And I tell her so

  And I wonder

  For a single second

  If that’s right

  If that’s fair

  If I’ll live to regret it

  But I do it

  I lisp around my sharpness

  And I tell her and I

  Tell her

  And she smiles

  And whispers it back

  Her voice

  Deeper

  Raspy

  Drained

  Drained

  Drained

  Then she smiles

  And collapses in my lap

  Soft breaths on the back of my knee

  Hair spread out on my thighs

  Her weight

  Her skin

  I trace a vein on her forearm

  I trace a vein on mine

  I lift her hand to my mouth

  I kiss her fingertips

  A giggle

  Manic and sharp

  Escapes me

  Bursts from me

  I try to catch it

  Slap a hand to my mouth

  I smile behind my palm

  Everything is quiet

  I close my eyes

  Hear her breathe

  Hear the blood pumping around me

  Everything is quiet

  It’s just us

  It’s just me

  When Claudia wakes

  I make her French toast

  And we sit in the kitchen

  And ignore Freddie

  Singing as he stirs

  Flour in the air like warm breath in the cold

  Milk on the floor

  Sugar in his hair

  He sings

  Claudia eats

  I sit

  And buzz

  I buzz

  My bones shake

  My blood

  Moves

  So fast

  I’m all

  Movement

  I’m going and going and going

  But I sit

  And I ignore Freddie

  And I watch Claudia eat

  And I’m going I’m going

  I’m going

  I come back

  When she’s asleep

  They come back

  When the house is quiet

  And the stars are out

  And the duvet is too heavy on my limbs

  And my limbs are too heavy

  And I am too heavy

  And I am too still

  Too still

  My bones

  My bones

  Weigh me down

  And they’re coming back

  And they’re waking

  And they’re talking to me

  Whispering

  And they’re hungry

  And they want

  They want

  They want so badly

  And I want

  I want to give them what they need

  What they need

  To be sated

  To be quiet

  To be

  Quiet

  She moans

  Crinkles her brow

  Licks her lips

  Turns around

  Buries her face in her pillow

  And is silent again

  And I watch her hair

  Slip off her neck

  And I look

  At the two

  Tiny marks

  tiny

  So tiny

  So small

  I’m staring

  And I can’t stop

  And they’re staring back

  And my bones

  Are so heavy

  And my head

  Is so full

  And they are so

  Small

  And my heart

  Is so

  slow

  And my blood

  Is sludge beneath my skin

  Lava

  Sleet

  I don’t know

  I don’t know

  Smoke

  Maybe

  Just smoke

  And they are so

  Small

  And my hand is reaching out

  And my breathing

  Is heavy

  And my fingers

  are cold on her skin

  And I’m shaking her

  Gentle

  Quietly frantic

  And I whisper

  Please hold me?

  And she smiles

  And turns

  Hides the two little marks

  In the pillow I now call hers

  And wraps herself around me

  And I can breathe

  And I can focus

 

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