I miss my life

  Henry

  Fills the fridge

  And we ask no questions

  Someone

  Older than Henry

  Tells him

  How to fill the fridge

  And we ask no questions

  We aren’t alone

  We just pretend

  We aren’t the most dangerous

  We just

  Pretend

  When we feel weak

  And restrained

  When we feel

  Bound and kept

  When we feel like

  Birds in cages

  Dogs in muzzles

  We pretend

  We are softer than we are

  We pretend we are harder

  Than we are

  But we know

  We know the truth

  So we stay together

  We stay together

  And together

  We don’t pretend

  Together

  We just are

  It’s always been

  The way it is now

  The house

  The three

  The home

  The family

  It has always been us

  In all our forms

  We raise each other

  We move apart

  We move together

  We move apart

  We come back

  We come back

  We hurt and we long and

  We moan like we could survive

  Any other way

  We are

  What we are

  We pretend sometimes

  Walking down the street

  We smile at people

  Like we are

  The same

  As them

  Like we

  Ever could

  Be

  We pretend

  At the bookshop

  Like so many of the spines

  Don’t boast names

  That aren’t ours anymore

  We pretend

  We pretend

  But we come home

  And we are known

  Freddie leaves

  But he comes back

  Henry scolds

  But he loves

  I moan

  But I am

  This

  I am this

  I pretend

  I pretend

  In flower shops and museums and forests

  I pretend

  But I am this

  I am

  And I miss home

  And I miss family

  And I want to be

  Just this

  I let myself be taken

  For another day

  I let her arms hold me

  I let the forest

  Cover me

  Hands in the earth

  Heart in her hands

  I let myself

  Be taken

  I let myself be kept

  Soft and warm and held

  I like pushing my hands

  Down

  Down

  Into the dirt

  Into the ground

  Past the cold that rests on top

  Down to the warmth

  Down where the worms live

  I like the worms

  I like the insects

  They crawl over my fingers and

  I worry I’ve scared them

  That I’m too big and too strong and too here

  But I just hope I haven’t

  And I stay still

  And let them move

  Finger to finger

  Tiny and alive and tickling

  I like the trees

  I love the trees

  The trees are my favourite

  To them

  I am small

  To them

  I am weak

  To them

  I am small and weak but still

  I am here

  I rest my palms on their trunks

  I push

  And feel only my own muscles move

  I push

  And I feel small and weak and real

  I feel

  Like a person

  Small

  Weak

  Human

  I love the trees

  There is a river

  Barely a river really

  A stream

  Really

  It trickles

  In places

  Over rocks

  Around trees

  Over my feet

  Around my ankles

  I stand in the stream

  Until I can barely feel my toes

  Until goosebumps run up my legs

  I am cold and wet and real real real

  I am cold

  And wet

  And real

  In the cabin

  We have a bath

  We heat the water

  Slowly

  And fill the tub

  Slowly

  And we sink in

  Slow and shy and pink cheeked

  Pink from heat

  Pink from

  Pink from

  We sink in

  Together

  I pull the ribbon from her hair

  I free her hair from its plait

  I run my fingers through it

  Long and silky

  Velvet in my hands

  I lather

  I massage

  I rinse

  I lather

  I massage

  I rinse

  She leans against me

  I put my arms around her

  I feel her heartbeat as if it is my own

  I feel her

  As if she is mine

  As if I am hers

  As if

  I feel as if

  We are each other

  Are each other’s

  We stay in the bath until it gets cool

  We wrap ourselves in big scratchy towels

  We rub our arms

  Up down hard fast

  We shiver in front of the fire

  We tell jokes

  So our laughter

  Warms us

  Inside out

  We warm each other

  We warm each other

  We leave our towels by the fire

  We trade them for sheets

  We warm each other

  We warm each other

  Nineteen

  But

  I snap

  But

  I snap

  But

  I snap and

  Maybe it’s the quiet

  Maybe it’s the voices

  And how sometimes

  Maybe

  I miss them

  Maybe it’s that

  I take

  Have taken

  And she is pale

  She is pale

  Maybe it’s the wind in the trees

  Or the rain on the roof

  I snap

  I snap

  I snarl

  I bite

  My words bite

  She says

  I love you

  She says

  Take

  Take and

  Take more

  And I

  Snap

  She says I love you

  And I snap

  And I say

  It’s not me

  Though

  I wish hadn’t shouted it

  I wish I could stop the next words

  Because I know

  I’ll shout those too

  It’s not me

  All the things you like

  All the things I know and do and think and feel

  It’s all just

  Leftovers

  She looks at me

  Like she knows I’m right

  And I feel

  Defiant and smug and bruised

  And then she softens

  Her jaw unclenches

  And she looks at me

  Like she knows I’m right

  And like she thinks

  It just

  Doesn’t really

  Matter

  And I want to agree

  I want to see it all

  As just

  One big life

  Or as just

  One little life

  I want to see it all as mine

  I want and I want

  In a greedy, belligerent, childish way

  I want to claim it all

  I want to be it all

  But I am

  This

  I am weak and insignificant and I have been

  So much

  And I have done so much

  But really

  Really

  I have done nothing

  Been nothing

  And with every day

  Here

  In this body

  In this

  Self

  I continue

  To be

  Absolutely nothing

  Of value of worth of merit of

  If you step back

  If you walk away

  And turn

  And look

  You will see

  All of me

  All the things and thoughts and lives and achievements and

  All of it

  And it will be

  Staggering

  And it will be

  Impressive

  But it will not

  Be me

  Because when you come closer

  When you zoom in

  When you

  Really look

  All you will see

  Is me

  This me

  With my blurry memories and half-formed thoughts

  With only hints of the talent and knowledge I should have

  I have ruled and led and fought and won

  I have innovated and inspired and influenced

  I have been the best and the worst

  Done the best and the worst

  Seen the best and the worst

  Felt the best and the worst

  But come close

  And come closer

  And look

  And you will see

  None of it

  I am wasted potential

  I tell her

  I could be more

  I should be better

  I could be

  I should be

  But I’m not

  I’m not

  I just take

  I just take

  And I

  Am this

  And this

  Is all I am

  Then I sit

  And I cry

  And I cry

  And I tell her

  I don’t want to take

  I tell her

  I am taking

  Too much

  I tell her

  I need to be

  Different

  I tell her

  I need more

  She needs more

  I tell her

  I tell her

  I tell us

  And I sit

  And I cry

  And I thank her

  And I thank her

  And she nods

  And she holds me

  And she lets me hold her

  And we kiss

  And I let myself feel it

  The want and the need and the kiss and the kiss and the kiss

  And we lie

  And we kiss

  And we hold each other

  And we hold ourselves

  I don’t know

  Who I am

  I tell her

  I don’t know

  And she says

  That’s ok

  And she says

  Sometimes

  She doesn’t either

  And I decide

  To let that help

  I decide

  To let her help

  This

  Us

  Hold me please

  Hold me

  Please please

  Hold me

  I whimper

  Small and soft and pathetic

  Please

  And she does

  And she scoops me up and she

  Takes me in

  And I vanish into her

  And I think about

  All she is

  How strong how kind how patient

  And I think about how

  I’m not ready for her

  And how

  I want to be

  So I nestle in

  And I say

  I am not anything

  Yet

  I am new every day

  And I am old every night

  And I want to be yours

  But I don’t know how

  And I blame and I rage and I hold

  Too tight

  And I’m sorry and can we

  Can we try again

  And I cross my fingers

  And I listen to her breathe

  And I wait and I want and I hold my own breath

  And I hold her hand and I stroke her hair

  And I hold and I wait and I hold and

  She nods

  And she says

  I like you

  Please see that

  Please pay attention

  To just how much

  I like you

  Not just how much

  I love you

  And we link our pinkies

  And we kiss our knuckles

  And we whisper

  One more time

  And we kiss and we kiss

  And we kiss

  Not yet

  She says

  And I feel the words

  Warm on my neck

  Sink into my pores

  No thinking

  Not yet

  Just

  Just

  Stay with me for another minute

  And I nod

  And I wish

  In a nasty

  Sickening way

  That she sounded sadder

  Instead of comfortably resigned

  Because that

  Just seems so much worse

  In the morning

  I leave

  Twenty

  I say goodbye

  To the trees

  The dirt

  The stream

  I say goodbye

  To the worms

  To goosebumps and bathwater

  And warmth warmth warmth

  The walk to the train

  Is just long enough

  For guilt to kick in

  For regret to sneak up

  Behind me

  A hand on my shoulder

  My feet get heavier

  But I walk

  But I walk

  I miss the dirt

  When my feet hit concrete

  I miss the stream when thirst

  Pinches my lips

  I miss the trees

  I miss the trees

  When the sky is too clear

  When the sun beats

  Too hard on my head

  When heat pours down over me

  When sweat collects

  In the dip of collarbones

  The small of my back

  I miss the trees

  The train ride back

  Is loud

  Some of them know trains

  Some of them have memories

  Kisses on trains

  Dramatic goodbyes

  The start of a new life

  The end of a romance

  So they come back

  First

  Wailing

  They wail

  They wail

  So loud

  Knowing they have me all to themselves

  For now

  Knowing

  I will listen now

  I will listen

  Knowing I know what it is like now

  To have something all your own

  And to let that something go

  I sit alone

  And I let them scream

  Let them moan and whine and whimper

  Let them get

  So loud

  It hurts

  Let it hurt

  Let the noise

  Pound against my skull

  Let it drown out everything else I feel

  Let it take over

  Until I’m home

  Until I’m safe

  Until the regret loosens its grip

  I read a book on the train

  Poems

  I found it

  In the cabin

  I read it

  Every night I didn’t sleep

  Tucked in next to Claudia

  Wide awake

  Every morning before she woke

  Sitting outside

  Drinking tea

  Wrapped in a blanket

  And the first hints of sun

  I read it

  The whole thing

  Three times over

  I read it and I read it and I read it

  Begin finish begin

  And I read it now

  I should feel bad

  For taking it

  For taking what isn’t mine

  But it didn’t feel right to leave it

  It didn’t feel right

  And I was already doing

  So much wrong

  I couldn’t bring myself

  To add this

  One last thing

  So I took it

  And I read it

  Begin finish begin

  And I look for answers

  And it gives me none

  Just tells me

  To keep reading

  It’s raining in the city

  Pouring

  Pelting

  It’s raining

  And it soothes me

  Soothes my skin

  Washes away the sweat

  Washes away the dirt

  It’s raining

  And I need it

  Like I need air

  Like I need the blood in my veins

  The blood on my tongue

  I need it

  And it comes to me

  And it covers me

  Drenches me

  And I need it

  I need it

  I need to be cleaned

  I need to forget

  I need to start

  again

  I stand outside our house

  For too long

  I stand until

  The door opens

  And Freddie yells

  Asking

  If I’m done being dramatic yet

  And I say no

  Five more minutes please

  And he scoffs

  And slams the door

  I stand until the rain stops

  Then I go inside

  I’m no less dramatic inside

  And Freddie makes sure I know it

  Henry is pacing

  And Freddie is giving me the smallest cookie

  A bag of blood is bubbling in the microwave

  My favorite mug

  Waits in front of me

  And I am sitting

  Soaking

  Tired

  I can’t hear them

  Over the noise in my head

  Over the voices

  Angry I left

  Or angry I came back

  It’s hard to tell

 

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