Bruise scab slice

  Nose chin cheek

  Then that face is buried in Henry’s

  Chest

  Cry sob scream

  And I leave

  I buy Freddie a rose

  Red

  And I buy

  Flour

  And eggs

  And butter

  Chocolate

  Just in case

  I walk around

  I walk and I

  Walk

  And I find myself outside the flower shop

  And I feel Claudia’s hands on me

  Hear her say

  She’s so happy he’s back

  Feel her lips on my

  Eyes cheek chin

  I don’t go in

  I take what I need

  What I can get

  From knowing

  She’s there

  Having a day

  Having a life

  And I bring no badness

  Into it

  Today

  I just walk

  I make a cake with Freddie

  He’s weak

  And he sits most of the time

  And we don’t

  Talk

  But we

  talk

  And we even laugh

  Now and then

  And I don’t ask

  And he doesn’t tell

  We just make

  A lumpy cake

  With grainy icing

  And we write

  Welco

  Because we made the icing letters too big

  And we laugh

  And he gets food colouring on my shirt

  And he splits his lip when a giggle erupts

  And he bangs his stupid elbow again

  And he’s tired

  And he’s tired

  And I’m too awake

  And he is here

  He is here

  With me

  With us

  And we laugh

  And we eat

  The whole cake

  All but one slice

  Which we know Henry won’t eat

  But will appreciate

  And he’s here and he’s here and he’s

  Here

  Fourteen

  They fell in love once

  When lives aligned

  Just once

  They love

  Always

  But they fell in love

  Just once

  They lived a life with their arms around each other

  they lived that life

  Like they’d been waiting for it

  Willing it

  To come to them

  They lived that life like something

  Right in the centre of them

  Knew it would happen

  And knew

  It wouldn’t happen again

  They asked me

  One night

  Near the end

  When they felt it

  Start to burn beneath their skin

  When they felt it

  Mercifully

  At the same time

  After the years they had watched over me

  And filled me up with all the goodness

  This one good, good life had given them

  They asked me

  With tenderness they usually reserved

  Only for each other

  To please

  Remember

  But never to remind

  To try my best

  Try my hardest

  To remember

  How they loved

  How they held each other’s fingers

  How they held each other’s gaze

  How they chose each other

  Over and over

  Prioritised each other

  Cared for each other

  How they grew together

  Lived together

  I don’t know

  How clearly I remember

  How many details I’ve forgotten

  But no matter how many lives I live

  I won’t forget

  Not fully

  Not ever

  And I won’t tell them

  Sometimes

  It’s best to forget

  The good things

  Too

  We know we hold secrets

  For each other

  We know

  We hold whole histories

  For each other

  Identities and memories

  relationships and losses and mistakes and

  victories and versions

  Shame and pride and lightness and the deepest darknesses

  We lose and we lose and we lose

  And we try and we try and

  We try

  To hold on

  To what we can

  We don’t judge each other

  We have no right to

  We know too much

  We’ve seen too much

  We’ve done too much

  We just try

  We just try

  To remember

  We just try

  To hold pieces of each other

  Safe inside ourselves

  So after life

  After life

  After life

  Our togetherness

  Is what makes us three

  Incomplete people

  As close to complete as we

  Could ever be

  Fifteen

  Claudia

  Is loud

  I hadn’t ever noticed

  Really

  Until today

  Until the museum

  Until her voice fills

  The big empty room

  And I imagine all the sculptures

  All the stone people

  Turning to look at us

  And I blush

  Claudia is loud

  She loves this painting

  So she tells it so

  This one confuses her

  So she asks it questions

  This one moves her

  So she cries

  This one amuses her

  So she laughs

  She is loud and full and too

  Alive

  I think

  Too alive to be here

  And suddenly

  I want her out

  I don’t want her here

  Among us

  Us old and heavy people

  And I regret ever

  Suggesting she come with me

  Ever so much as mentioning the museum

  I regret and I seethe

  Claudia

  Is too loud

  Too alive

  Too honest and pure in everything she is and feels and says and does

  And I am jealous and I want her

  Out

  But her face

  Her eyes

  Put the stone ones to shame

  The ones I feel so seen by

  Have nothing on hers

  They’re bright and alive and when they look at me

  When she looks at me

  I don’t feel seen

  I feel known

  So when she looks at me

  She knows

  She knows my thoughts have soured

  My feelings bubbled over

  And she sighs

  And takes my hand

  And I feel

  I know

  I am terrible

  I am terrible

  For ever wanting a moment

  Without her

  We stay for hours

  Her favourites are paintings

  I’ve never really looked at

  Sculptures I’ve wandered past

  Acquaintances

  Not friends

  But she looks at them

  Like they’re family

  And I tell them

  It’s a pleasure to meet them

  Properly

  And that I’ll be sure to visit again

  I introduce her to my collection

  To the strong woman in the flowing dress

  The pained man with his shield

  I don’t tell her what they are

  What they are to me

  But I tell her

  They are important

  They are special

  And I wonder if that’s true

  If the selves I’ve handed over

  Are important

  Are special

  If they matter to me

  I thought they didn’t

  But as I point them out

  And as I watch her take in every inch of their smooth stone skin

  I think that really

  They must

  And that’s new

  And that’s strange

  And that’s nice

  Nicer

  And I hope

  The feeling stays

  And I hope she stays

  The more she sees

  The more she learns

  The more I show

  Tell

  Share

  I hope

  She stays

  Sixteen

  Why does he leave

  Where does he go

  She asks

  And I shrug

  And she asks again

  And I shrug

  And I say

  Because he’s brave

  And stupid

  And weak

  Sometimes

  Sometimes he is weak and brave

  And they’re

  Dangerous

  Together

  Dangerous

  Together

  I don’t know where he goes

  I just know

  He goes

  And I worry

  And he comes back

  And I worry

  Don’t you want to

  She asks

  Don’t you want to

  Go

  And I shrug

  And she asks again

  And I shrug

  And I say

  I can’t

  And she says

  That doesn’t answer the question

  And I shrug

  And I nod

  Let’s go

  She says

  Let’s go

  Like it’s an option

  Like its real

  Like something exists outside the city

  Outside the rules

  Like something exists for me

  Like I could exist

  Somewhere else

  Like we could

  She says

  Let’s go

  She says

  I’ll show you

  I’ll show you

  So much

  She says

  Let’s go

  And I shrug

  And I nod

  And I go

  We go

  We take her aunt’s car

  Then a train

  Then we walk

  And we walk

  And I try

  Not to think about

  Henry

  About Freddie

  I try to tell myself

  It’s ok

  I’m ok

  We’re ok

  They’re ok

  I try to tell myself

  It doesn’t scare me

  Being away from them

  Being

  Without them

  I try

  We walk

  And we walk

  And then

  We are in a forest

  I tell her

  As if

  Somehow

  She isn’t aware

  She laughs

  Soft and light

  It bounces off trees

  Bounces around us

  And she takes my fingers

  In her hand

  Our hands

  To her lips

  She kisses each of my

  Knuckles

  Then puts my hand

  On the trunk of a tree

  The biggest tree

  I’ve ever seen

  Ever

  Ever

  I know it

  I feel it

  So I feel the tree

  I close my eyes

  Feel how strong it is

  How firm and tough

  But blanketed

  In moss

  Soft and dense

  We are in a forest

  I tell myself

  As if

  Somehow

  I’m not aware

  Yes

  We are

  She says

  And I laugh

  And I laugh

  And I keep my hand on the tree

  And with my other hand

  I pull her closer

  Wrap an arm around her waist

  Pull her close

  Smell her vanilla

  And the forest

  Vanilla

  And the forest

  And I feel

  So much

  And I feel

  So much

  And I feel

  So good

  And I feel

  Myself

  And only myself

  And for once

  For once

  For the very

  Very first time

  They are silent

  It is silent

  Because for the first time

  The very first time

  They have nothing to say

  They

  Have not been here

  They have nothing left

  here

  Here is

  Mine

  Here is Claudia’s

  Here is Ours

  ours ours

  Only ours

  And it is quiet

  And it is quiet

  And it is quiet

  Everything is

  New

  Everything is

  Fresh

  It smells different

  It feels different

  It feels good

  It feels

  It feels like Claudia feels

  It feels real

  It feels alive

  It feels

  Alive

  And I want

  I want to

  Stay

  I want to stay

  I tell each tree

  Each leaf

  Please please let me stay

  Claudia takes me to a cabin

  It’s cold

  And then so warm

  Strange

  And then home

  So quickly

  So suddenly

  She lights the fire

  And I boil the kettle

  She takes food from her bag

  Soup and bread and cheese and

  I pile blankets in front of the fire

  And we forget the food

  For a while

  We don’t feel our hungry stomachs

  We feel wool and skin and breath and hands

  We feel each other

  Ourselves

  We feel

  Good

  And

  Warm

  And whole

  We eat bread and cheese for dinner

  Because we are lazy

  And full in so many ways

  That this one type of hunger

  Hardly seems to matter

  We sleep in front of the fire

  And wake to ash in the hearth

  Our breath before our faces

  We light the fire again

  Fall asleep again

  Hold each other again

  We wake again

  To flame and heat

  Our breath wet on each other’s necks

  We eat we sleep we hold each other

  We eat we sleep we take our fill

  We take our fill

  And when we are full

  Of warmth of food of heat of us

  We walk into the forest again

  Seventeen

  There is a statue

  In the forest

  Near the cabin

  She stands beside a pond

  Tall and beautiful

  Cracks cover her arms

  Dip into her stomach

  Run down her legs

  She is dust and moss and dirt

  She is old

  She is real

  She is in this world

  This world that lives and breathes and grows and changes

  And here she can change too

  Here

  She can be worn down

  She can be touched

  Vines can grip her

  Wind can shake her

  She is not like the others

  In the museum

  Strong and quiet and perfect

  Restored

  Reserved

  She changes

  She changes

  And if I tried to give myself to her

  She would not take it

  It would not stick

  So I don’t give

  I take

  I take her into me

  Her wildness

  Her realness

  Her cracks and crumbles

  She is me

  Not the others

  She is me

  We are each other

  We are broken and still standing

  We are messy

  We are here

  Eighteen

  By the third night

  I’ve slept too much

  Much too much

  I’m restless

  Jumpy

  I need

  I need

  I don’t know what I need

  But I know

  It is too quiet

  It is too peaceful

  I am restless

  I am jumpy

  I am

  Here

  In a forest

  And I realise

  For the first time

  I don’t know where I am

  I don’t know anything but

  I am in a forest

  And the forest has welcomed me

  The cabin allowed me to call it home

  But now

  My ungrateful bones

  Miss home

  Miss walking through a city

  Late at night

  And seeing concern on strangers’ faces

  At such a young woman

  Roaming the streets

  So late

  So so late

  I miss the feeling of stealth

  Of knowing I am more dangerous

  Than anything they feared on my behalf

  I miss

  Freddie

  I miss

  Henry

  I miss

  Being me

  Where I am me

  The forest

  The trees

  This

  All of this

  This is Claudia

  And it has taken me

  Taken me in

  Just like she did

  It has wrapped itself around me

  It has tried to hush the voices in my head

  With its rustling

  With its growing and moving and

  It has taken me

  In

  It has taken me

  In

  And despite it

  Despite the quiet

  Despite the peace

  I miss my home

  I miss my noise

 

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